“What do you think is important in keeping a BDSM relationship healthy? How does it differ from a vanilla relationship?”
Healthy BDSM relationships are rare, in that they’re hardly ever talked about. People are quick to discuss the rare cases of abuse within the community, but never how to keep them healthy. That’s why I’m so happy for this blog topic. Keeping a relationship healthy is one thing, but a BDSM relationship is another thing entirely. What a healthy BDSM relationship looks like will differ from couple to couple. Keep in mind that every relationship will be different from anyone else’s. Healthy is relative, but there’s always universal truths. Some aspects of a relationship will transfer from one couple to another. It’s interesting to note that as a submissive, I play a role in keeping myself safe and ultimately healthy. My Master is just as responsible for himself, and for myself. We ideally keep each other healthy, safe, and happy. Here’s some gauges for a healthy BDSM relationship.
Communication: The first most obvious thing a relationship needs to stay healthy is communication. It’s harder than hell to keep communication open sometimes. There are moments I want to break down and just yell or cry, but my Master just encourages me to say so. One time, I even said I hated him. I’ve never regretted anything more than those words the moment they left my mouth. To my surprise, he just smiled and insisted I didn’t hate him. To this day, I’ve never said I’m sorry for what I said. The truth is, I know that I don’t have to. In that moment, because of the communication between us, I know that in our own way we’re past sorry.
Slow Exploration: This involves the exploration of actual kinks. The one thing I’ve really learned through my recent constant submission is that sometimes kinks aren’t what they appear. If things are handled slowly, there will be enough time to recognize these important distinctions. When things are rushed however, there’s very little time to communicate properly. Boundaries get crossed too easily when things aren’t explored in a relaxed manner. Slow explorations entice both people involved, and heighten the overall experience. In the end, when couples take time to explore their initial challenges or past experiences along with their current ones, everyone stays healthy. This is highly important when many acts within BDSM can result in not so pleasant experiences.
Honesty: I know, this one seems really simple. Ever had to admit to a really embarrassing kink however? It’s not easy, not in the least vulnerable bit. Honesty takes time, and is only built up with trust. If at any point a relationship lacks honesty, trust soon follows. This can only result in negative experiences, and unhealthy relationships. It’s important to note that trust and honesty are so closely linked that I can’t separate them for this. The damage of lost honesty goes deeper than the initial loss of trust, as it results in the communication breakdown. That means more levels of safety are cut off because of this quality lacking too. In the end, Honesty builds trust, which in turn creates open communication, and then that allows for the slow exploration of kinks. Thus, everything remains healthy.
Respect/Value: Above all, a healthy relationship needs both respect and value. Many submissives will understand the difference between respect and value. Masters are fond of saying they can’t respect their submissives. I’ve done past blog posts touching on this topic. For those who may be new to that idea, consider value and respect interchangeable. Masters like to be respected, while submissives like to be valued. This is necessary for each person in the relationship to stay invested. If at any time there is a breakdown in the respect or value communication suffers. Once again that leads to a sudden halt in the overall healthy of the relationship.
Love: Lastly, I thought I’d include this little bit because I think it’s important to remember. Now I am well aware not every BDSM relationship involves that love dynamic, but there’s still a mutual caring. For long-lasting relationships, love does play a part in the overall health of the relationship. One should remember that out of love comes a great privilege to both submit and exert dominance. These are again, privileges, ones that people do not take lightly. A healthy relationship truly flourishes with love. All of the traits required in a healthy relationship, even the individualized ones can be worked out with love. At the end of the day, it’s kind of incredible to realize how true that is.
Phaedras Submission 