“And she was mine, she was mine, the key was in my fist, my fist was in my pocket, she was mine.” – Lolita
Books have always impacted me as a person, and so BDSM books should be no exception. The exact impact of a book though often remains unspoken. These are special bonds known only between the book and myself. When my Master first recommended certain books, I was thrilled. BDSM themed books had always intrigued me, but I never knew where to start. After reading my first BDSM recommended book however, I quickly noticed a difference. Turns out, BDSM books can bring out emotions, thoughts, and longings that cause very real physical effects on the reader. It’s these impacting stories I want to share a little more about. Like I’ve said before, my Master recommends books and I enjoy reading them. Finally, I’m able to discuss the impact of these stories though not entirely easily.
The first story I was ever recommended by my Master was the Story of O. Now it’s important to note, my Master wasn’t entirely in ownership of me yet. I’d asked for a recommended book, and he had simply chosen that one. Reading the Story of O was a torture he could have savored all on its own! At the time, I was so intrigued by the story I couldn’t set it down. Looking back at it now, I probably should have stopped reading the story. There were so many moments I wanted to toss the book at the wall, but I’d always go and pick it back up. The scenes in this book consumed my thoughts. Being really transparent, I went into a depression after reading the Story of O. Turns out, there are also toxic BDSM relationships. For me, this story highlighted the fact I needed out of a very toxic previous BDSM relationship. Needless to say, it took time. There were parts of the Story of O I fully enjoyed, and parts I wanted to embrace.
The Story of O highlighted the extreme measure of my submission. So many of my emotional responses, my problems at the time, were caused by this subtle recognition within myself. O’s submission is one of extreme devotion, and as such she is forced to endure sadistic pleasures until she breaks and cries. For me, this was such an intriguing concept. I was scared and yet thrilled at this kind of dominance. There suddenly became a longing to wear marks, a brand, and anything that would declare the same kind of submission. I understood so little then reading the book for the first time. Now I know the true impact the book really had on my submissive self. What the book did was highlight in me the need to be fully dependent.
All the parts of the Story of O I had hated on my first reading of the story, I later came to understand and face. My Master has seen to it that these fears are no longer fears at all. I was terrified of being given away, and yet I understood the concept of being submissive even to that extent. He explained this concept to me multiple times, until finally, I understood. I feared being branded, but my Master has always said I would be marked so. It’s amazing how you stop fearing what is inevitable. I’ve now learned to crave such a mark openly. The hardest part, the extreme almost sadistic beatings O endured, I’ve learned not to fear those as well. My Master has no desire to see me marked to such an extreme. It was the concept for O as much as I require my own daily reminder of submission. I will be marked, but nothing cruel that I can’t handle. My Master knows my limits, and he knows the true motivations deep within the core of my being.
The first true book I was recommended by my Master as his submissive was the infamous Tarnsman of Gor. Interestingly enough, he told me there would be no overly apparent BDSM sex scenes in the book. Instead, I would do well to pay attention to the themes and mental aspects of the slave girls in the Gorean universe. Little did I know that these Gor novels actually have their own culture of BDSM attached to them. I would have been intrigued in an instant knowing such a thing, but I remained ignorant of such facts until later. At the time of my first reading, at least to me, a kajira was simply an unknown word. Needless to say, I fully enjoyed reading the Tarnsman of Gor.
My Master was of course right, there are so many interesting concepts about slavery and the nature of women to be found in this book. Never had I wanted to be part of a different universe as badly as I wanted to fit into the Gorean world. I could easily see myself in such a society, and there would be no judgment for my nature being what it naturally is. I grew to love the term kajira. In fact, I began to associate the term with myself. Using everything at my disposal, I tried to become as kajira like as possible. I shouldn’t have done this, but I think it was a natural reaction. My Master would have told me if he wanted me to do such things, but he never did. He was quite pleased to discuss the book and its themes, but he had no desire to practice a Gorean themed BDSM.
Learning about the Gorean culture of BDSM has been quite thrilling and fun. I see in it aspects of myself, while at the same time, quite a bit of different opinions. The Gor books highlighted only one aspect I was still dealing with from the Story of O’s impact… branding. My Master found my strong response to the idea of a brand amusing, but he was patient and honest with me. Together, we were able to work through my difficult emotions. Perhaps I owe the Gor books that credit and recognition. The Tarnsman of Gor allowed me to open up more about my ideas on submission and the nature of women. My Master and I still discuss Gorean concepts, and I simply love the artwork too… but that’s another story!
How do I properly describe my first reading of Nine and a Half Weeks? When my Master recommended this book I’ll be honest, I was afraid of it being too much like the Story of O. I wasn’t ready for another emotional rollercoaster, but I read the book anyway. This time, I would at least have my Master there to talk to. Talking to my Master turned out to be a great thing, because I needed it! Nine and a Half Weeks isn’t as drastic as Story of O, and I found myself enjoying the book. The problem I had with this book wasn’t actually the BDSM theme or scenes in it, but rather the emotions it dragged out of me naturally so. I became oddly frustrated with my submission in comparison to this book’s main character.
Nine and a Half Weeks really does a good job of showcasing an every day type submission. The book highlights how BDSM can include every day routines and habits, with a Master pulling the exact strings behind how they’re done. I loved that about this book, and perhaps that’s why I noted the physical BDSM as well. At the time, I was getting accustomed to my new role as a submissive in my Master’s household. My Master was teaching me that BDSM could be loving, and didn’t need the physical. Essentially, my Master didn’t want me to equate abusive physical BDSM with true submission. Reading Nine and a Half Weeks only pointed out the absence of this physical BDSM in my life, and I longed for it.
I realize now I wasn’t ready for such things, my Master does and did know best. Imagine his surprise though when I cried endlessly one night, because I had read Nine and Half Weeks and wanted the extreme marks. What my Master did to comfort me in that moment well, was perfect long term. Only recently have I learned the true impact of that breakdown. Reading Nine and Half Weeks did an interesting thing though, it pointed out how a submissive and Master can have both mental and physical BDSM habits. At the time I longed for the physical, but that was because I had the mental. I didn’t realize that until much later, but looking at things now, I’ll take that realization quite happily.
Ah, my most recent read, and my favorite book by far at the moment. I found this book on my Master’s bookshelf after we decided to organize everything. He saw my interest, and recommended it. For a couple days I debated actually reading it, and then finally picked up the book intending to finish it. Whatever I expected from the book initially quickly disappeared after the first few pages. This book was different from the others, as I found the BDSM a side plot. The book had a bigger story to tell than the story of a submissive and how she became involved with her Master. Needless to say, I responded better to this story as I was able to absorb and separate myself from the BDSM elements.
Interestingly, when I went to discuss the book with my Master, he told me it wasn’t time. Turns out, he worried I’d have another breakdown similar to that of when I read Nine and a Half Weeks. My Master had the foresight to let me know he couldn’t hold me up at the moment, and that I should stop reading. Something inside told me to keep reading though, and that something proved correct. The more I read of this book, the more I understood about myself. In a moment of irony, the more I understood the more I felt the need to talk to my Master. This gave him the impression that I was on the brink of another emotional spiraling.
Well, one day he walked into the kitchen, to find me with a weird expression on my face. Worried about that look, as it really is reserved for those moments of clear BDSM and submissive understanding, he asked if I needed to talk. Knowing it wasn’t an issue, I told him when he had a long moment, I’d talk. While it took some reassuring, he soon trusted my judgment… though I know he watched me carefully. What I didn’t count on was my own need to talk. I felt a physical need to tell him of my new understanding. So, after getting his permission, I crawled out of bed at three in the morning, and wrote everything down for him. Setting the letter on his computer, I could finally sleep peacefully. Ironically, Topping from Below highlighted my need for true dependence, my insecurity at saying so, and I finally grasped the point of physical BDSM mixed in with the mental.
I’ve learned so many things from the time I read the Story of O until completing Topping from Below. My Master and I would have so many conversations about the impact BDSM books had. I complained such books often lacked a happy ending. I hated how they highlighted the sadistic nature of physical BDSM. Deep down though, I really was voicing how I struggled to comprehend such aspects on my own. I have changed a great deal since this journey with BDSM books started. Nothing would have ever prepared me for so many changes! Each book though remains a part of my submissive self now. I cannot take back the first impression these books left with me, and I wouldn’t even want to!
What I find so interesting is the fact I’m the one that changed. When I look at O’s story for example, I view it in a different light now. Her Masters weren’t as cruel as I first imagined. The relationship in Nine and a Half Weeks highlights a working BDSM relationship that goes a little well… extreme. Tarnsman of Gor, well, that book just gets to remain special. If anything, the Gor novels have become more important, more interesting, and I enjoy them immensely. Topping from Below, the book is special because it highlighted for me my understanding. The book is dark and I would have had problems with it, but by now, I’ve changed enough. I understand how all these books address various aspects of BDSM. Perhaps, books like these, are really meant to be read together.
Phaedras Submission 