“What changed wasn’t the reality, what changed was the awareness of the situation.”
Traveling as a slave, is a difficult thing that a free woman wouldn’t understand. Deep down, there’s the knowledge that a slave won’t fail. In many ways, failure is never an option for a slave. A free woman can’t help but think of all the things that could go wrong, and no doubt feel a sense of failure before one starts. While a slave does certainly think of all the issues that are possible, it’s to weigh them. There’s a preparation that’s unique between a Master and slave, that between the two, every situation is usually covered. Because of this, traveling as a slave is difficult in unique ways. Don’t get me wrong though, there are many areas where a slave feels the same emotions as anyone else. For example, nervousness, excitement, confusion, and overall anticipation are emotions that are all too common.
For myself, I actually had a five hour, closer to six hour, drive to the airport. Sitting in a car, even while talking to my Master, left me with many thoughts. There was an emotional cycle that took place, though it took awhile to be aware of it. Because I was leaving, there was a feeling of sadness. During this stage, communication with my Master was extremely important. He kept me grounded, and motivated through the emotional sadness. Again, he was extremely patient with me, enough that in time, I slowly transitioned into an accepting stage. This acceptance lasted most of the car ride, slowly turning into a greater sense of relative calm. See, even slaves have moments of weakness, though they might be indiscernible to most. That entire car ride, I went through those moments, though honestly, doubt wasn’t too common of a feeling.
The emotions a slave feels when they second guess their actions, is not the same as is typical. For a slave, doubt isn’t the same as second guessing. A slave approaches the situation knowing that her Master is ultimately right. At times, a slave must get to that same conclusion, multiple times, in many different ways. Only then, does a slave, at least when second guessing, feel like they can carry out the appropriate actions. Over time, with the process being repeated over and over, a slave can eventually move on to a different emotional stage. Acceptance can be a hard stage, especially in a situation of traveling halfway around the globe. Despite acceptance being a step forward, it also means the individual is resigned to a single outcome, especially with the attached variables.
With acceptance, there’s the emotional state that takes place, which is more commonly felt. This stage is the one where most people would get stuck, or often simply frozen. The stage of acceptance, is actually where a slave starts to feel nervousness, as well as excitement. My mind, once hitting this stage, even on the drive to the airport, was never the same. I couldn’t go backwards, only forwards, which included being extremely nervous. What I was nervous over I can’t even yet exactly place, perhaps it was my life in general. One thing I do know, was it wasn’t a fear of being rejected, disliked, or even being unable to completely travel. No, overall, I’d say there was a nervousness about finally being free, because of my slavery. I hadn’t up until that point, really had an opportunity to be free, because freedom to me, means being a slave.
Perhaps that’s the true secret of it all, the truth of the whole post. Being a slave, means that I am at the same time free to be myself. During that car ride, what I had to accept wasn’t the emotional upheaval of moving, but becoming myself. Most people are born into their freedom, I had to travel halfway around the world for mine. That process does have an emotional cycle to it, along with all the rest of becoming oneself. Traveling can sometimes be the easy part, and the tough part is actually the moments of quiet. Having nothing to do but wait, can leave a slave alone with their thoughts. Having my Master there through that process, honestly, made the whole process easier. It was the one reminder I had of why it was all worthwhile, and what keeps me grounded still.
Phaedras Submission 